I think the tide is finally turning for this hip 34 yr old! I think I'm finally seeing to the other side of this mess. Is it over? Not by a long shot, but I see now how God is in the midst of even my darkest areas of my life. I see how He turns brokeness into wholeness through the power of grace. God says that His grace is sufficient for us, yet I didn't fully understand that until now.
I no longer have a bandaid holding me together. I now have stitches and the wound is beginning to close. It's beginning to heal itself. It's going to take continued hard work, but I'm ready to face it head on!
I'm realizing how much I need friends who will love me unconditionally. They have been found few and far between after this endeavor. But I know who my truest friends are. Number 1 is my husband. The best guy in the world who has stuck by me every step of the way! Thank you God for sending him to me!
And thank you God for those people who have stuck by me through it all!
Most importantly, thank you God for your healing, love, and grace! As we begin a new adventure in our lives in a new place with a fresh start, I'm ready!!!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Complete Surrender
The past seven months for me have been truly a mess. And by mess, I mean disaster! For the first time in my life I have regrets and that to me is the hardest thing to overcome. Forgiveness has been offered and accepted by all parties, including God, but I have had a very hard time to forgive myself.
I wonder if I'll ever truly get there? I say that I want to forgive myself, but anytime I have to talk about those 7 months, the tears and regret come flooding back into my heart and my eyes. Yes, I know that the new diagnosis of bipolar disorder give me a reason for what I've done, but I still always thought that I was stronger than anything. I thought that I would never do things that I've done. I thought that my faith was always stronger than anything Satan could ever throw my way... yet I wasn't. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't faithful enough. I wasn't able to overcome what was sent my way.... That's a hard one for me to swallow.
I think people assume that being a pastor means that I would always be able to overcome anything... that I would be perfect. Yet, what people forget is that I'm not perfect. I'm made of the same sinful flesh material that they are. Maybe I forgot this. Maybe I thought that I was better than most because I thought I could handle anything. Yet I wasn't.
So, that still leaves me with regret and working on forgiving myself. I hope to one day be able to fully do so. I know that I have made progress in forgiving myself because I no longer feel so heavy with it... just twinges here and there.
SO....... someday, I'm going to get beyond what I've done and see the good in the midst of the bad. Somehow GOD will use this for HIS good!!!
Your sister in Christ,
Pastor Heather
I wonder if I'll ever truly get there? I say that I want to forgive myself, but anytime I have to talk about those 7 months, the tears and regret come flooding back into my heart and my eyes. Yes, I know that the new diagnosis of bipolar disorder give me a reason for what I've done, but I still always thought that I was stronger than anything. I thought that I would never do things that I've done. I thought that my faith was always stronger than anything Satan could ever throw my way... yet I wasn't. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't faithful enough. I wasn't able to overcome what was sent my way.... That's a hard one for me to swallow.
I think people assume that being a pastor means that I would always be able to overcome anything... that I would be perfect. Yet, what people forget is that I'm not perfect. I'm made of the same sinful flesh material that they are. Maybe I forgot this. Maybe I thought that I was better than most because I thought I could handle anything. Yet I wasn't.
So, that still leaves me with regret and working on forgiving myself. I hope to one day be able to fully do so. I know that I have made progress in forgiving myself because I no longer feel so heavy with it... just twinges here and there.
SO....... someday, I'm going to get beyond what I've done and see the good in the midst of the bad. Somehow GOD will use this for HIS good!!!
Your sister in Christ,
Pastor Heather
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