Complete Surrender

The past seven months for me have been truly a mess. And by mess, I mean disaster! For the first time in my life I have regrets and that to me is the hardest thing to overcome. Forgiveness has been offered and accepted by all parties, including God, but I have had a very hard time to forgive myself.

I wonder if I'll ever truly get there? I say that I want to forgive myself, but anytime I have to talk about those 7 months, the tears and regret come flooding back into my heart and my eyes. Yes, I know that the new diagnosis of bipolar disorder give me a reason for what I've done, but I still always thought that I was stronger than anything. I thought that I would never do things that I've done. I thought that my faith was always stronger than anything Satan could ever throw my way... yet I wasn't. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't faithful enough. I wasn't able to overcome what was sent my way.... That's a hard one for me to swallow.

I think people assume that being a pastor means that I would always be able to overcome anything... that I would be perfect. Yet, what people forget is that I'm not perfect. I'm made of the same sinful flesh material that they are. Maybe I forgot this. Maybe I thought that I was better than most because I thought I could handle anything. Yet I wasn't.

So, that still leaves me with regret and working on forgiving myself. I hope to one day be able to fully do so. I know that I have made progress in forgiving myself because I no longer feel so heavy with it... just twinges here and there.

SO....... someday, I'm going to get beyond what I've done and see the good in the midst of the bad. Somehow GOD will use this for HIS good!!!

Your sister in Christ,
Pastor Heather